Dreamweaver... REO Speedwagon was onto something..

I confess I am a hopeless romantic.  There is no doubt about it.  Soft piano music stirs my emotions and puts me near tears.  Matthew McConaughey makes me swoon every time I watch "How to Lose a Girl in 10 Days" (yes, I've seen it prob a 100 times).  My college days included multiple boyfriends, lots of Julia Roberts movies, and 80's Ballads.  I am not afraid to say it, I love "love", prince charmings, dozens (plural, yes, you caught that) of roses, and breakfast in bed.  Massage my toes, kiss my nose, tell me all those sentimental things I want to hear; offer me champagne, a bubble bath, some wine--hold and caress me, forever be mine....

  See what happens when I get going!  I easily get pulled into Cupcake Land, where each girl has three best friends and everything from the movies isn't just human nature manipulation but it ACTUALLY happens!..yeah right.  I have come to the realization that either God forgot to add more estrogen to the male DNA or fairytales don't exist.  (Of course there are both sexes that are born with a little more of this and that so they become an exception to this, but just sayin...)

Emotions create a mirage in front of me.  Statistically, I see all the positives of a person or am very hopeful for the person one can become. Instead of seeing the cup as half empty, I see it as half full.  I am your golden retriever, so to speak.  Same with love-- I fall easy, I fall hard and I expect cupcake land to be a reality.  Reality is masked and buried beneath high hopes and lofty dreams. 

           Is everything I go through is brought upon me (whether good or bad) by the choices I make?  I wonder how differently things would be if I had used a realist approach to discern between "philos" or "agape" love and "eros" love. (Google 3 types of love).  I am wondering that if I have ever truly experienced "eros" love?  Or have I been blinded by facades, emotions, and fairytales?  Once the butterflies dissipate, what is left?  My recent self-discovery is that I may need to take more a realist approach when allowing people to be a part of my life. I need a decoder ring in my brain that allows me to decipher truth from falsity; short-term vs. long-term; reality vs. dreamy expectations, eros vs. philos, etc etc.

Is there hope for a hopeless romantic?  Will I ever feel content with love, friendship, MYSELF?  I peel back the layers of this onion and wonder what could possibly bring me happiness and joy.  Is it a who? Is it you? I hope to find whatever it is, to lift my soul and enlighten me.  Ready and waiting.  I am still hopeful that there is a place somewhere out there in this world for me.

Until next time, Kris xox

Finding pleasure in the pain?? Are you serious!?

 
My picture was recently featured on the cover of Good Housekeeping.  The story was about how to be a modern day 50's wife and how to lead an effortlessly happy life, with sidebar recipes on meatloaf, martinis, and mantras to practice while smiling at yourself in the mirror.  How do I look by the way? Perfectly primped, totally toned, AND wearing heels while baking banana bread---*Screeching brakes* Ok, I give up... I lied, that is not me at all, not even in the slightest bit.

I would like to get a little personal with you if you don't mind.  I am *unfortunately *fortunately an idealist to the core.  I have a strong ideation that we can virtually do or be whoever we want to be.  Of course, there is that tangled sticky web of predisposed chemicals called DNA, our resources, our attitudes towards our resources and life in general, and that little thing called education.   I truly believe we could educate ourselves to do or be whoever or whatever we want.  Takes effort, of course, and the relentlessness of an Albert Einstein or Benjamin Franklin.
 When I was in college, studying to be a teacher, I always had a tendency to push myself out of the confines of my comfort zone with assignments.  I had to come up with a social studies lesson plan to teach to my colleagues.  So what do I pick?  Microeconomics.  I had never once even spoke of the word, let alone could teach it.  But I taught myself what I needed to know and loved it. (foreshadowing--as I ended up transferring my senior semester to another school and getting into marketing)  I whooped that lesson in the booty and didn't have to use my lesson plan for reference, it just spewed from me like a golden river of knowledge (insert slightly goofy voice here, laughing).

During the past ten years of my life, I have been through an insane rollercoaster ride.  I look back, with whiplash, asking myself, "What happened?" :? I am reminded today during my devotions that life is not about the destination, it's about the journey.  Each and everyday I am given is up to me to enjoy to the fullest extent, come what may.  So hard to do!  We no longer live in a time where things come to us in black and white.  Culture has changed, society has changed, people have changed; as marketers keep squeezing every last idea on how to sling products, we end up standing in the cheese aisle for a half hour trying to just decide on CHEESE... I bet June Cleaver up there didn't have to swim thru a sea of heavily processed food and remain super educated on nasty chemicals to make an honest cheese purchase.   We live in a fully vivid, colorful, high definition world and it's no wonder my brain feels like a puddle of mush most days.

Time to break it down; Get back to basics in life.  Time to buckle in and allow the screaming rock concert around me to continue while I put in a set of earplugs and focus. There is a rapid downward spiral occuring around me and I feel the only way to find satisfaction is to be reminded that it's the little things that will do it, and stock up on earplugs. I have 186 friends on facebook, a husband, and a slightly disfunctional family.  There are many days where I feel like the lonliest person on the planet and I am exhausted from my day to day responsibilities.  Then, I open up my devotion and it says, Ecclesiastes 8:15, “So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.” (NIV).  This verse made me smile in relief instantly.  The gifts of life are not simply in the package itself, but in the joy that is able to be had enjoying what is inside of each day. 

I know it seems impossible somedays to find enjoyment in our jobs, home life, relationships, etc.  Trust me, I am right there with you, wishing there was an easy button and my house would be instantly spotless and my husband would for once be able to effectively communicate with me.  I haven't found such button, but if I look at the verse again I think it's telling me that there is only the button I install myself, to find something to smile about with each moment of my day and find pleasure in the daunting tasks (maybe redefining them too ;) of day to day life. 

Until next time,
xoxo

Where (or behind what) have I been hiding!?!?.....

The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in.

I apologize for leaving my blog hanging in space...I have been a busy, busy bee lately.  I am purely exhausted and feel it inside.  My soul is longing for yoga, but I can't get myself off my chair.  I can't seem to muster enough energy really even to write this blog.   But it's been far too long, so you ask where and/or behind what have I been hiding?

About four weeks ago, we were given an opportunity to really impact my youngest sibling and allow him to try school out where we live.  Initially, it was the husband's idea, which made me even more excited to try to help my brother out.   I have no children of my own and even being the oldest of four kids wasn't adequate preparation for the days ahead.  Long story cut short, things didn't work as planned and he will be returning home to receive the help he desperately needs. 

 I do have to say one thing--The heart is a tough muscle and I empathize with all the moms (especially the single moms) out there, who work ever so diligently for their families every day.  My short duration as "mom" messed up my sleep schedule, battered my emotions, cut into my social life (not that it really exists now days nor is this said with negative connotation), and naturally brought me to be completely selfless.  I walked around for a few weeks with a mask of strength and endurance, having to face some pretty painful experiences in the process, which to my family's privacy, I will not disclose.  All I have to say is that I don't know how you do it mom. I don't know if I am cut out for what you've done for the past 30 years of your life... ;)

As my heart aches it is as equally hopeful for the days to come.  Sometimes I look at the "stuff" going on in my life and tend to sit back and over-analyze the "who, what, WHY, why, WHY" about it rather than taking the "Don't let life take you, you take life" approach; or as I was gently reminded randomly one evening of the "Trust in my faith.God.Karma." approach.  Proverbs 3:5,6 states, " ⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; ⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."   I take this as saying I have only a human brain--we use only 20% of its' capacity.  How in the world would I think that I am capable of "understanding" everything that goes on in this life? Just as this subtle nudge reminded me, I only know and comprehend so much.  I need to stick to what I am capable of and leave the rest to Him.

I really hope my inspiration crawls out from under the fatigue blanket soon.  My prayer for myself is that I will take a deep breath and try to remember my position in the world, that it's not my job to save it--that's already been done--but to spread positivity, love, and to take an occassional time out to recharge.

Until next time,

Namaste.  (The light in me, recognizes the light in you)

Looking behind the mask....

I have been motivated to blog for some time now; but didn't hop in the saddle and do it.  Writing has always been my favorite creative outlet.  They are words on a page; and if the person reading this finishes the entire entry, I have been able to "speak" for once without being interrupted...judged...made to feel incompetent...my blog is my personal soap box from which I can say whatever the .... I want.

Now that might have sounded fierce, but really it's not.  I am excited to take this opportunity to "silently" examine this great big, but not so big at the same time, world around me.  I am in the world but not a product of it, as I feel the downward spiral occurring rapidly towards all of those things that really do.not.matter.in.the.long.term.scheme.of.things.

This gentleman who greeted you as you opened up my page--yes, that one, with a big grin and Jack Sparrow mustache/goatee--is looking very happy today isn't he?  His skin tone may need a little help from my girls at Clinique, but overall, life is grand it would seem?!?  Welcome to my favoritist (yes, I did purposely say that) social theory.  In college, my group and I called it the social mask theory.  (see quote above by McGraw).  Each and every day, we all live behind a mask.  The world is one big production, a stage with bright lights, and orchestra, and we are merely it's little marionettes.  Dancing and smiling, being directed to and fro, all the while not truly feeling satisfied. 

What's behind your mask, may I ask?  When you take the jeweled, adorned, sparkling accessory off of your face, what do you see? Of course, none of us would ever remain unmasked in public, due to the fact that the production go on! Or does it?  Could we take our show to the next level-- Just a question that I have asked myself many a time, as I have been on my journey of trying live beyond the mask.

Thank you for joining me-See you next time, oxo