Challenge

Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success.
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly--anonymous


My mom inspired me today.  The above quote was on her page and I am pretty sure she put that there for me.  God knows I have told her atleast four times in the past two days of how frustrated with myself I am.  So she answers with that and I am thinking, Yeah, it's all about perspective isn't it??  I am amazed at how instantly I felt not as crappy about myself and my "poor decision" making.  In lieu of airing my not-so-glamorous recent behaviors, I will just give you this analogy:  


When a child is small enough not to understand that the stove is hot, you say "Don't touch that, owie!"  He or she looks at you and quizically in their little mind is trying to figure out what in the heck you just said...It makes no sense to them.  So dumbfounded, they walk away from the stove; and as a parent, you think you've acheived something monumental and avoided a minor tragedy or trip to ER.  Well, little do you know, as you're boiling pasta there will be a little hand to follow not so long after.  Sizzle, sizzle, burn! That DOES HURT.  But wounds heal, owies go away; and that little tyke will soon forget that the stove is actually VERY hot at times.  What do you know, here comes that little paw again.... .OUCH!!


Ok, you're probably yawning by now.  My apologies. You may never retrieve those 15 seconds of your life again.  Put it on my tab.

According to the quote, whatever I may have done to feel extreme failure and disappointment at the moment is only going to set me up for a future success story.  A building block to a much smarter, conscientious me. :) That's not so bad, huh?

Thank you for a brand new perspective.   And uhm, note to self--the stove IS hot!

Sitting outside of your masquerade...

We're fools whether we dance or not,
so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb

I have a really good husband.  He was trying hard to be an even better nurse. I don't feel well, so he had me all tucked in, then 10:30 p.m. rolls around, and there's that second wind (underneath alot of snot, sniffles, sneezes and such). My mind has me up again and it's getting to the point where I am very tired, and just want my mind to pause.

Honestly, I should know better by now...

These past few weeks, I have felt absolutely alien to my surroundings.  I have felt lonely.  ...Well, I am missing something; someone--  I am sitting on the outskirts of "your" masquerade. 

...Watching you as you dance, adorned from head to toe. With or without your partner,  you dance.  Cascading, gliding, twirling--your faces are lit with happiness.  Of course I cannot hear your private, most intimate conversations; and the sashay of your linens creates the sounds of a subtle ocean.  Legs crossed, cup empty, hand unattended, I watch.  And wish.  I meet glances with someone across the room and they begin to come my way.  Come to find out, they were not looking in my direction at all.  The music stops, the dance is over--this masquerade has only been a mirage before my eyes.  The breeze gently blows, kissing my bare shoulder.  There is no one in sight.  Nothing accompanies me but my hungry soul and the euphonious sounds of the crickets in the shadows.

Facebook is this dance to me.  I want to delete my account, oh, once a day at the very least.  I am addicted to it solely for the fact that it temporarily makes me feel like I am a part of something--something bigger, family like. 

I examine my life and feel as though I should just pick up and dance alone.  Dance with the air that allows me to sing; speak; breathe--  In begging for a "dance", I have found myself investing more and more time into facebook.  I have friends on facebook.  There are things going on, events and quotes, and conversations!  It's a play ground.  Unfortunately, when the violin suddenly stops playing, the account is not engaged; that satisfaction and fulfilled longing is empty again.

I have to smile, because I do have a few people that take very good care of my heart.  Most of those few are over 6 hours away from me.  And from afar, I dance with them in my heart.  Although I am forever grateful for them, I still long to have this dance with someone, out there, who wants to dance with me too.

I guess for now all I can do is pray and ask God to help me love others anyway; and most importantly, love me.  As I sit here, dress wrinkled, glass empty, and no one attending my hand; maybe you could do me the honor, Lord, of having this dance with me; and helping me live to my fullest each day regardless of circumstance.  Essentially, that's all any of us can do.  Live with no regrets, be kind, and dance anyway... :) xoxo

Rest In Peace, Aunt Barbara.

November 4, 2011, My aunt Barbara peacefully slipped into eternity after a four year battle with breast cancer.  I didn't know her well, but well enough to know that she was one of the only people on my dad's side of the family that acknowledged my existence and made me feel like family.  She was a crafty lady, had a woodshop, loved to paint, and was very interested in Native American culture.  She was goofy, perfect person to chat with to perk your spirits, and was very much a realist.  She sounds so familiar? ;)

 I love her for the person she was and miss her favorite way to end a call or letter--"I love you BEST".  It breaks my heart that we couldn't have had more time together in this lifetime, but I remain grounded knowing she has received a new body and has been welcomed home with a big hug from Jesus himself.  What a beautiful feeling that must be, to not be sick anymore.  She has a new-found radiance that Oil of Olay can't hold a candle to.   I'm certain that she will probably be one of the first people I see when I get to heaven and I can't wait for that overdue hug.

The fiance to the late Heath Ledger, Michelle Williams, stated in an interview that after Heath's death, she has begun to look at life through the lens that sees everything as impermanent.  She dedicates her thoughts to focus on what really matters now; and it puts the trivial matters of life in the shadows.  I think sometimes I get numb to the everyday regularity and need someone to come along and snap their fingers and say, "Wake up!"  I will confess that I have gotten lazy.  When I was in college, I kept up a house, worked 2-3 jobs, and felt the satisfaction of really going for what I wanted or needed to.  Now, I am getting motion sickness from my mundane 9-5, M-F life; time is seriously spinning out of control before me and I'm very dizzy.

I woke up on November 4.  I sat and thought, I do not want to taste the bitterness of disease; I am tired of not looking and feeling my best; I desire to have my full energies and ambitions restored.  I want to also look through a lens that sees everything as impermanent and for the time being on earth, want to enjoy every last drop of it.  I took a big step in the right direction and signed up with Beachbody to start my own fitness journey.  I will be starting  Turbo Fire workouts, using Shakeology to amp up my vitamins/minerals, and trying harder to lead a healthier lifestyle.

I can do this, for the sake of my health and happiness.  May the spirit that lives in my 3 aunts who have dealt with breast cancer abide in me so I can succeed at my goals. Fight to the finish line....